In defense of chivalry.

Since when did chivalry become misogynist? I was recently at a camp where the women were served dinner before the men, as a communal gesture of respect and old timey manners. One of the young women refused to be served before the men, and stood at the back of the line, insisting this was “so not politically correct” and “totally anti feminist.” As a proud supporter of women’s rights, I found her political take on chivalry a little wonky.

I think for me, the issue resides in the definition of the term “feminist.” Some perceive (incorrectly, in my opinion) that feminism is about making women “equal” to men, when in fact, I believe it to be entirely otherwise. Feminism is about ensuring equal opportunity for women, while at the same time embracing the uniqueness of Woman-kind. This young lady felt patronized by being treated differently than men, and I can understand that. When I was her age, I, too, refused to eat before the gentlemen when offered, but as I age, I feel there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the privilege of first-choice at the buffet. I feel that politeness towards women, when offered as an appreciation of our natural grace and importance to society, is in fact a wonderful step towards equal appreciation for all human kind. With that said, the following behaviors are, in my mind, more or less unacceptable for a man of reasonable age.

1)      Not getting the door for a lady—It’s about as basic as it gets. Open it, step back, hold it, let her pass, go on with your day and feel good about your classy display of manners.

2)      Ogling women, especially when you’re with another lady—I get it. We’re gorgeous... but keep your eyeballs in your head and your you-know-what in your pants and treat us with the respect we deserve. The female body is hardly as beautiful as the female mind, and there are sure some lookers out there. Get to know us for who we are, not what size or shape.

3)      Not walking on the street side of the sidewalk—This one is a little more nitpicky and understandably can be difficult to remember, but if you’re walking with a lady or pass one on the sidewalk, it’s considered good etiquette to pass on the street side of the sidewalk. I’m not sure how this habit came about, but I sure like it. It just seems sweet when I’m walking with my boyfriend, and he’ll switch sides with me to walk by the street. (I think he does this because I’m actually pretty terrified of falling into the street, a phobia of mine…. But still.)

4)      Not standing up when a woman enters/leaves the room or table—Again, this can seem a little excessive if you’re in a crowded restaurant, but the idea is that if a woman approaches in a formal setting, you should stand up and acknowledge her. (Flippin do this for anybody, really. Throw a sweeping bow in there, or some applause. Have fun with it, because there is no better feeling than walking into a room and having everybody take the time to greet you sincerely.)

5)      Making tired, over played, misogynist jokes. All. The. Time.—I realize I sound like some stuffy grandmother, yammering on about chivalry and manners, but what it comes down to is this: Women (really, all humans) are important, beautiful, unique, and valuable. Treat us like it- and for all you women reading this, treat each other like it. The “get me a sandwich, woman” and “shouldn’t you be in the kitchen” jokes can be (barely) funny the first time someone says them, but after that one time, it just gets stupid. It makes you appear as someone willing to disregard a person’s dignity for the sake of a half-hearted chuckle. With that said, I understand joking around with your friends, and who am I to tell you what to do with your time, but really, reconsider those lines. It’s not funny- it’s kind of lame.

Most importantly—Be genuine. If you really don’t care for women at all, you’ve got bigger problems than can be fixed by a few polite actions, and if you really feel ideologically opposed to having manners, far be it from me to pressure you otherwise. But I challenge you to take a good hard look at how you treat women. Look at how we are treated in this society, how we treat each other, how we treat ourselves-as women AND as men, as human beings with dignity. We’ve come a long way as a society, and we have a long way to go. We might as well try to be polite while we get there.